Having Hard Conversations Around Politics
“Don’t talk about religion and politics” might be fine advice for the Thanksgiving table or the break room at work, but might not feel very satisfying in a close, intimate relationship, especially with a spouse or partner. While each relationship is different, you might be wondering, how can we talk about these things when we are on such different pages? The good news is, talking about difficult topics is a skill that can be learned. With some practice, you and your partner can get better and better at talking about difficult topics. In fact, having these hard conversations well can ultimately strengthen your connection and feelings of closeness. Here are a few ideas of how you can work at getting better at having these tough conversations.
1.Get clear about your intentions
What are you hoping to get out of having these conversations? A debate? Vindication? Increased understanding? Connection? Getting clear and explicit about your intentions can help you to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the conversation. So often these conversations just kind of start out of nowhere. When this happens, we can easily find ourselves off-guard, carried away by the emotions of the moment, and end up in an attack-defend kind of dance that leaves us feeling frustrated, unheard, and distant.
What are some intentions that are helpful? These really can differ from person to person and relationship to relationship, but intention to connect and be curious can be good starting points. When we allow ourselves to be genuinely curious, it’s hard to get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that often takes us off track. When we are genuinely curious, we are much better able to really hear what our partner has to say, rather than overly focusing on our positions and responses.
Once you have some clarity around these intentions, don’t keep them to yourself. Share them with your partner! Letting your partner know of your intentions can help them to approach the conversation with more calm and with greater awareness of where you are coming from.
2. Focus on Your Values
Once you have your intentions in place, the next step is to express your perspective in a way that deepens understanding rather than fueling conflict. Rather than getting stuck at the surface level, consider digging deeper to the heart of the issue. Why does this issue matter so much to me? What does my perspective say about me and my view of the world? When we are able to get to a level of values and meanings, we are now talking about ourselves and what is important to us rather than just debating logistics or getting caught up in the merry-go-round of headlines and current events. Sharing at this level communicates to your partner that you want them there and want to share with them this deeper part of yourself, which is what intimacy is all about.
3. Really Listen
Once you’ve had a chance to share, now it’s time to switch! Pro tip: reminding yourself of your intentions here can be super helpful in getting in the right mind space of being present for your partner while listening to topics that might be hard for you. Breathe, listen, be present. If you are wanting to listen with the goal of understanding and connecting, this is generally not the place to begin debating or thinking of counter-arguments. Instead, while your partner is sharing, it can be helpful to try and hear the values they are reflecting in what they are sharing. Doing this can help you to see them as a value-driven person just as you are. What does their position mean to them? What values are reflected in their worldview? Sometimes it can be helpful to reflect the values/meanings we are hearing back to them. Something like, “Oh, so for you x, y, and z are so important to you because it is important to you that everyone is treated fairly (or whatever value you’re seeing)”. This can help your partner know that you get it and are seeing them (or can be a good opportunity for them to clarify if your reflection didn’t quite hit the nail on the head).
4. Check-In
Once both partners have had a chance to share, check in with each other to see how you’re doing. Did both partners feel heard? Are there ways you might want to fine tune the process the next time? Let your partner know what worked well for you and what you appreciated about the conversation. Remind each other that you are on the same team and want to continue better understanding one another. This can help reinforce those intentions you set out with to start with and reaffirms that this is an ongoing process – one that you are committed to, together.
Conclusion
I firmly believe that learning to face difficult topics well together can become a bedrock for connection and intimacy in relationships. While this is not always easy, with the right combination of tools, practice, and support, getting better at this is possible. If you’d like more support in navigating tough conversations with your loved ones, I’d love to help. Feel free to reach out to explore whether relationship therapy might be a good fit for you.